Post3

So this is going to much more difficult than I have anticipated.  There’s only a week left in October and I can barely maintain this month’s goal.  November’s goal is… well, let’s not talk about that yet since it hasn’t even arrived yet. 

  Over the weekend, I travelled to Minneapolis with three other members of the climbing club to compete in a competition.  I’m unaware of other climbing competition methods, but this one assigns you a level of expertise and then about 15 different routes to accomplish in five tries.  Each attempt is worth a certain amount of points with the amount decreasing the more times it takes you to complete.  After five tries, forget points.  I’ve never done one of these competitions and just started climbing less than a year ago, so any hope of placing in the top four was a little out of the question.  Nevertheless, I learned a lot and had a blast.  Climbing very closely resembles cross country in that the main sport or action is completely individual, yet a team is needed to reach higher goals and get better.  (Which is partly why I enjoy it so much).

I bring up this past weekend because I think I came up with a solution to the Post-Graduation Situation:  I’ll head West on an extended road trip to see how I will behave, see what the area offers, and visit the sites that constantly appear on Instagram and where Chris McCandless appeared. 

  After typing all that out, it now looks like a pretty stupid plan.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  I don’t really have any prospects outside of the farm.  How the fuck do I expect to pay for this trip?  How am I going to buy the bare minimum gear?  How am I going to learn the necessary camping skills?   Whatever you do, do not major in English.  Reading, writing, and argument construction can be hobbies you pursue outside of the rigors of a more practical degree.  

I mean, what did I really expect to find at Iowa State?  A way out of the farm and community I grew up with?  Sure, but would I have felt happy with my decision to leave Iowa?  Most of me says no.  The rest says it’s an adventure - and an adventure is what you’ve always wanted.  But now, what I really want to do (I think), is actually go back home and take over the family business.  I can still travel a few times a year, still can get my pilot’s license, grow an impressive garden, build a climbing wall, live out in the country, design my own home...

But will those bring me joy or make me happy for a long time?  I want to believe so, but then I ask the question of what even makes me happy in the first place.  Is it creating something?  Because I sure don’t do a lot of that.  Is is owning things?  For awhile, but then I feel like shit.  Is it physical expression through running, biking, climbing, etc?  Maybe, but I don’t do enough of what I think is an acceptable level during the school year.  Is it the relationships that I try to maintain?  

The Show

I have already failed.  It's because I am scared.  Scared of what anyone who reads this will think.  Scared of exposing myself and what goes on within my mind to people outside of it.  Moving on, I will improve my posting daily.  The goals that I have in mind will eventually happen.  

But that’s something I often struggle with.  I have these really awesome moments of inspiration and confidence not only in myself but in what can be done, what I have the ability to do, the ideas that I have, and the motivation I know I possess.  And then abruptly an hour or two later, everything is back to normal and I’ve forgotten nearly all of the revelations and mental epiphanies that washed over me.  

I would be lying if I said it doesn’t happen when substances run through my body.  Of course it’s more intense then, too.  It is difficult to describe, the feeling/experience, obviously more relatable if you, the reader, have experienced something similar.  With substances it’s as if a lens is removed in front of my eyes or the lens already there is polished to an extreme degree, revealing my surroundings and reality for what they really are:  reality.  I think.  Whatever I see is sharp, detailed, nuanced, and horribly constructed.  What becomes most evident, especially in the midst of several people and especially in public places, is how everyone tries to cover themselves up or put on this little show.  For who?  Their friends?  Me?  

The show is for all of us.  The performer does not want the rest of us to know that they’re performing, trying to hide the fact that they’re uncomfortable with the way the are, look, or feel.  It’s funny to watch.  Often I just stare and get lost in all the information coming at me all at once, trying to sort out what’s important or wanting to simply let my mind wander from the next individual or odd thing my attention latches onto.  But then after awhile, I feel bad and want to run away; leave the public sphere and hole up in my room with a book or Casey Neistat video.  Those will make me feel better, I tell myself.  

But I’m not so sure anymore.  Perhaps I never was truly sure.  Either way, it seems like there’s something missing in either situation.  Some sort of lie I refuse to tell myself in public situations or something actually meaningful to accomplish when I escape.  The missing link, however, could be the outdoors.  Typically in those wanting-to-escape situations, I’m much more happy on the journey back to my room.  It must be the outdoors.  I want it to be the outdoors.  But when I’m in class and especially right now, just plain old in the stage of school and completely engrossed in the assignments I need to accomplish before the next class period or due date, everything gets really mixed up and hard to pick up where I left off.

Next time I’ll write a story with the 500 word limit.  

No more excuses. 

500 words a day. 

 I can do this.

Post1

There’s a heart shaped pretzel

A book next to it

The bookmark is AWP 

Another Bose speaker

6 foot auxiliary cable

My iPhone

Steve Jobs is the fucking man

My lamp

The thoughts running through my head

Oh so smart that sounds

Yeah right

I take myself too seriously

It took awhile to get in the mood

Do you believe that we have run it

Do you believe

Do you believe me

Is trueeeeeooo ooo

Bedrock 

I’m such a fraud

Why am I even trying

Fuck I hate work

Well maybe not

No I don’t hate it

I just want to read 

And I want to write

And have time to study thoroughly

I want to get on Instagram

I thought snapchat was funny

Until the ads came

I really like that adjusters

I wish the words would be more real

I don’t think I quite get it yet 

I have to look at this some different way

Remove myself from my thoughts

Get out of my head

It’s Nightcrawler

Why do I want to be like that

Its really amazing

But he doesn’t really have any friends

No, that was definitely after 

It feels like my left hand is above my right

I want the blog to be honest

I want to be me when I say it

I want it to only be the text

Only my words

Nothing else

I want to get rid of those tabs

Where can I find that button to delete them

I do want it to be 500 words every time for the next month

I want to transition into 1000 words in November

I think I can do that

I’m in college, I just want to write and be free

But I hold myself back by getting this job and shit

And always thinking that

Yeah what is it you always think

What is it

Have you proved to yourself yet that you can get a job

I think I have

So now what

What

Was that it

No obviously not

I kept trying though, I did get better at it

Even in these few 5 minutes

No more like 10

It took awhile for my fingers to loosen up

Oh god how this feels to plunk these letters out on this keyboard

Is this the key

It has to be the key

But the scary question is 

Is do I really want it to be the answer

Because thats all there is to it really

If you want that, then do that 

Yeah but I just get in the way of myself really really badly

And these moments of clarity like now

I always wonder how long they’ll stick around for 

Because that’s what I’m really chasing

Is that feeling that I know anything is possible and that this is real life

And it’s more beautiful and wonderful than I’m actually realizing it to be

The veil comes over my mind and my face and my head

Wow it took so much to get here

Right where my fingers are just at a good, comfortable level

Even if they are pretty cold

But then I almost always crash and burn when I realize that this moment will be gone and at some point I’m

gonna fall back in somewhere and       

But it doesn’t have to be that way

I want this time to be different

I want to come back to the word

See whats it like

Like really know what its like

How many words can I really produce in a day

I want to love my classes so much

But why can’t I just accept that there’s work involved and this really fucking truly is where I want to be

At least for a little while

I need that self confidence

Like huge ginormous big headedness

That’s what it really takes

But I think that’s what really happy kids look like

I think we have to be a little self-centered

But not in extreme or really bad ways like how most of social media is

And that’s me on a soapbox

God how awful that last statement was about social media

Social media is such an overused ugly phrase

So you get the point but