Post1

There’s a heart shaped pretzel

A book next to it

The bookmark is AWP 

Another Bose speaker

6 foot auxiliary cable

My iPhone

Steve Jobs is the fucking man

My lamp

The thoughts running through my head

Oh so smart that sounds

Yeah right

I take myself too seriously

It took awhile to get in the mood

Do you believe that we have run it

Do you believe

Do you believe me

Is trueeeeeooo ooo

Bedrock 

I’m such a fraud

Why am I even trying

Fuck I hate work

Well maybe not

No I don’t hate it

I just want to read 

And I want to write

And have time to study thoroughly

I want to get on Instagram

I thought snapchat was funny

Until the ads came

I really like that adjusters

I wish the words would be more real

I don’t think I quite get it yet 

I have to look at this some different way

Remove myself from my thoughts

Get out of my head

It’s Nightcrawler

Why do I want to be like that

Its really amazing

But he doesn’t really have any friends

No, that was definitely after 

It feels like my left hand is above my right

I want the blog to be honest

I want to be me when I say it

I want it to only be the text

Only my words

Nothing else

I want to get rid of those tabs

Where can I find that button to delete them

I do want it to be 500 words every time for the next month

I want to transition into 1000 words in November

I think I can do that

I’m in college, I just want to write and be free

But I hold myself back by getting this job and shit

And always thinking that

Yeah what is it you always think

What is it

Have you proved to yourself yet that you can get a job

I think I have

So now what

What

Was that it

No obviously not

I kept trying though, I did get better at it

Even in these few 5 minutes

No more like 10

It took awhile for my fingers to loosen up

Oh god how this feels to plunk these letters out on this keyboard

Is this the key

It has to be the key

But the scary question is 

Is do I really want it to be the answer

Because thats all there is to it really

If you want that, then do that 

Yeah but I just get in the way of myself really really badly

And these moments of clarity like now

I always wonder how long they’ll stick around for 

Because that’s what I’m really chasing

Is that feeling that I know anything is possible and that this is real life

And it’s more beautiful and wonderful than I’m actually realizing it to be

The veil comes over my mind and my face and my head

Wow it took so much to get here

Right where my fingers are just at a good, comfortable level

Even if they are pretty cold

But then I almost always crash and burn when I realize that this moment will be gone and at some point I’m

gonna fall back in somewhere and       

But it doesn’t have to be that way

I want this time to be different

I want to come back to the word

See whats it like

Like really know what its like

How many words can I really produce in a day

I want to love my classes so much

But why can’t I just accept that there’s work involved and this really fucking truly is where I want to be

At least for a little while

I need that self confidence

Like huge ginormous big headedness

That’s what it really takes

But I think that’s what really happy kids look like

I think we have to be a little self-centered

But not in extreme or really bad ways like how most of social media is

And that’s me on a soapbox

God how awful that last statement was about social media

Social media is such an overused ugly phrase

So you get the point but